Maybe.

11:13pm April 2nd

 it’s 2019 and I still miss you 

I still feel this burning yearn of energy for you. And you’ll never know and someday I’ll have to accept that? Maybe I already have?

But If so why won’t it stop? 

Then endless wonder, god damn it why do I miss you?

It’s been years and nothing’s been said. As it should be left alone. 

But do you miss me too? Do I sneak into your mind while you are silently minding your business and cause a cluster fuck of unrecognized emotions? 

Maybe  if we meet again you can tell me about Toronto. 

Maybe we can laugh about our past and be equally as blown away by each others accomplishments but never doubtful. 

Maybe I wished maybes never existed. 

What if 7 years ago never existed? 

When I blossomed.

When I said I couldn’t feel you,
I didn’t mean I couldn’t feel you inside me
Just that I felt nothing inside me.

When you asked me if I liked that
I only nodded because I couldn’t fight back.

When you mentioned how wet it was I couldn’t get over how dry my mouth had been.

When I was on my back I became friends with the ceiling, I knew it heard my thoughts over his low pants and fast breaths.

When you placed your hand on my face to tell me you loved me, I knew this wasn’t the love my mother talked about.

When I pulled my shirt over my head and thought to myself how dirty I felt but you’d never know. I never wanted to be touched like that again.

You didn’t deserve to see my secret garden.

You didn’t water my plants.

You didn’t feed my soul.

You polluted my soil with your weeds.

Stripping my land from its beauty.

My petals so smooth, so delicate, and vibrant with color. Slowly wept as they got weary of your touch. All that was left under all that beauty laid my thorns.

It was only then when I realized why our skin is our largest organ because it tells our stories.

wandering stars.

I am a wanderer.
My mind is always wandering, I always find my attention being pulled elsewhere.
But my mind always gets caught in the stars. Every noise around me goes away as I look up into the stars and only wonder what it would be like to wander around space.

I often relate myself to being an alien, as if they dropped me off here on earth and I’m just waiting to be picked up. The reality of it is that I am just an astronaut silently floating around the galaxies with no sense of direction.

Every night I try and take in as much of the night sky that I can, we share our thoughts with one another. The stars are great listeners, they show me how beautiful they are and they keep my secrets. Every sunrise they go to rest but I’m reminded of those brown eyes and how they are my stars on earth. I just want to see how beautiful you are, I know you’re a wandering star.

life is full of contradictions.

I’ve been broken for some time, I’ve just been convincing myself I was put together.

Why do I find myself wanting to throw away anything good or push anyone away once they make me the slightest bit vulnerable?

Because you’re feeling something to do with the love I think to myself. 

God that makes me cringe.

But not when I felt it, that’s a lie.

It made my skin crawl, trying to get away.

It’s so much easier that way. To be alone with no worries. You were too scared, don’t lie.

I was trying to get away because it scared me..this happiness I feel is something I’m not used to and that angers me.

“You’re a teenage girl.”

But my souls old and I feel like I’m in a constant battle with myself.

I opened the door and I don’t regret it. Only fear that the door will slam In my face, making me want to rip it off its hinges and scream in the doorway. Scream at my fears, releasing my anger, sorrows, and the grief. As I gasp for a breathe I feel a sudden reassurance of weight being lifted off my shoulders, this is such a foreign feeling and it intimidates me.

It’ll be fine.

I’ll be fine.

Everything is alright in due time.

I’ve finally washed the broken pieces out of my wounds.

My mind is blown as I finally see the positivity around me and I can only dream of passing it around like a universal joint that touches everyone’s soul. I want to change peoples lives for the greater good, I want to laugh until my face hurts and tears run down my cheeks from happiness. I don’t want to live in that abyss that I used to call home, the bottomless pit was beginning to feel too familiar.

 

 

 

memories.

I remember the smell of your skin when I walk away.

The feeling of your hands in my hair lingers, leaving waves of a tingling sensation.

Your grip on my jacket as you pull me in as if we physically can’t get any closer.

I breathe you in and taste your essence, I remember it all as if its branded into my memory.

I think to myself how it’s too good to be true but even if it is I never want to forget this.

The way your breathing picks up as I press myself into you. The feeling of your smile against mine as we fight with our tongues for whose in control.

These memories are slowly turning into something more and I know that. I forgot what it was like to be happy, to actually want to keep someone in my life. I forgot what it was like to not have to worry about keeping my walls up.

My walls are made for protection, reminding me to never forget what it feels like to get hurt.

What its like to question why you let your walls down in the first place.

I have to stay aware but I don’t have to resent.

I remember because I learned from it, I have to remember not to be so cold to those who show their love to me even if I’m scared. Its always the darkest before dawn and I think I’ve been living in the dark for too long. I’m not used to not wanting to run away, though every part of me screams that I should turn back now before I get hurt.

I don’t want to. For I fear I would regret it. I’m going to accomplish so much in this lifetime and right now at this moment, I want to do so with you by my side. You make me see things differently than I thought of viewing them before and I’m thankful for you. I can only hope that these memories I have will make space for the ones to come.

it’s okay to float.

 

I’ve been so wrapped up lately.

In something that I can’t see but I can feel it, I’m scared.

If I’m being honest I’m not really sure what it is that I’m scared of.

I feel like I’ve been thrown into the middle of the sea, but I forgot how to swim.

The water around me is thick and heavy..it’s taking over my senses and surroundings.

I can’t move but I don’t really want to either. My mind tells me to drop everything and run.

To leave it all.

Leaving…something I’m so good at.

That’s a contradicting statement because I’m the one who always gets left behind. Though I’ve always had an amazing talent for cutting people off without a hesitation, for some reason you’re not one of them. Anymore that is.

I feel like we’re dipping our toes in the water but run away from the waves each time they approach us.

 I’m waist deep in the ocean and I can’t help but wonder where do you stand?

Are you ankle deep? Are you drowning?

Maybe you haven’t even set a foot in the water.

Some become fearful of the depths of the ocean, I know I am. If I cant see the bottom nor can I touch it then I suddenly don’t feel welcome.

You never know what may come along and pull you away from it all, pull you deeper into the darkness.

Saltwater fills my lungs as I struggle to breathe and my eyes become clouded with the darkness that surrounds me.

Then it stops.

The darkness becomes light.

I can suddenly breathe again…

I’m not scared anymore, sometimes you just have to float along with the waves.

Take it all day by day and I think I’m okay with that.

self worth.

“you’re not over him are you?” 

I am completely appalled by this question, only because I was over him 6 months before I left. Yet it’s been 2 years now and I guess I’m just not over how blinded I was and unaware of my self-worth. 

the cringe I felt when he touched me, the resent I felt when he looked at me, the anger I felt when he lied to me, and the bittersweet numbness when he slit his wrists right in front of me. Simply because the motive behind these actions were based on how I wanted to leave him. 

you see he had been cheating on me but that wasn’t where my anger stemmed from. It came from my soul, once I realized how drained it was. Once I realized my self-worth and how when I told him that he had the nerve to put his hands on me. 

you can change so much negativity in your life if you find your self-worth. Never let someone’s judgment cloud yours. Never worry more about someone’s mental health more than your own. 

I was over him before I left him, but I won’t get over how much someone has no issue abusing another mentally or physically. 

I guess I’m just not over realizing my self-worth and how I still have so much more to grow from.

brown eyes.

Brown eyes,

They’re so under appreciated.

You don’t realize how much they pull me in. 

They take me to a place that I’ve never been before.

It’s almost unrealistic, it’s not on earth.

Catching each ray of sunlight simultaneously as they catch my distant glances.

Golden sunsets glow, and I have to accept that is something you’ll never know.

They’re not just brown but amber.

Shades of gold hint beyond observable measures.

“why are you staring at me?”

How could I not?

As you stare off into the distance your eyes tell a story I have yet to finish,

I’m not quite sure if I have even started.

Your eyes are what draw me in and hold me close.

Why is this the hardest thing for me to put into words?

To write what you’re feeling when you don’t know what it is that you feel.

Eyes

Eyes

Ojos

They’re something we are all born with

We see through them physically and spiritually

I’m not sure what you see when you look through them

But I know what I see when they look through me

I see endless wonders and unanswered questions

I see hopes and dreams.

Heartbreak and sorrow.

I see the beginning of a story but I wonder where it ends for I cant find the first page

“I’m not just a book you can read.”

Yes that’s very true

I’m not trying to read you I just want to know whats happening behind those eyes

Those deep amber eyes that I know so well.

But I don’t know them at all yet they’re so welcoming to me

I feel like they know me more than I know them.

It almost feels like a trap.

How can one think they’re boring when I feel the adventure that lies within them?

I search for them in the dark because for some reason when they look at me  I am instantly assured everything is okay for once.

When filled with anger I watch them search for a meaning…

A quick hint of doubt is caught in the moonlight.

I pull them in as they do to me hoping they feel the warmth they too give me.

angsty acid.

You’re a fucking trip and I’m a trippy girl, so take my hand and lets trip on this world that will soon expire but holds our desires.
 
While the ocean crashes with each wave that holds our dreams and the stars shoot at us as we plan where our next trip may be.
 
As we’re floating on this rock with all the galaxies some how it’s only you that I can see.
 
So let’s trip together and hope it lasts forever because earth isn’t where I want to be.

purple stars.

The world is on fire and underwater at the same time.
There are more bullets shooting in the sky than there is stars,
Behind their closed eyes lays an image as black as the community that they fear.
Purple stars, they deserve a chance and shouldn’t have to prove who they are.
Shooting through the sky day or night maybe they wanna wear their hood.
ET he wore his hood to hide but even our beautiful stars didn’t get the chance to shine.
Did you know even when a star is dead its light still travels to earth?
Light years away but why could we keep our purple stars?
Hands up don’t shoot Aint nobody safe
The blue stars are slowly dimming the lights on others fates
Making our Purple stars fear who they are.
The blue boys won’t catch a case.
So now our purple stars are thousands of light years away.
Just like their dimming lights, their stories are slowly fading away with no action to take.