Maybe.

11:13pm April 2nd

 it’s 2019 and I still miss you 

I still feel this burning yearn of energy for you. And you’ll never know and someday I’ll have to accept that? Maybe I already have?

But If so why won’t it stop? 

Then endless wonder, god damn it why do I miss you?

It’s been years and nothing’s been said. As it should be left alone. 

But do you miss me too? Do I sneak into your mind while you are silently minding your business and cause a cluster fuck of unrecognized emotions? 

Maybe  if we meet again you can tell me about Toronto. 

Maybe we can laugh about our past and be equally as blown away by each others accomplishments but never doubtful. 

Maybe I wished maybes never existed. 

What if 7 years ago never existed? 

memories.

I remember the smell of your skin when I walk away.

The feeling of your hands in my hair lingers, leaving waves of a tingling sensation.

Your grip on my jacket as you pull me in as if we physically can’t get any closer.

I breathe you in and taste your essence, I remember it all as if its branded into my memory.

I think to myself how it’s too good to be true but even if it is I never want to forget this.

The way your breathing picks up as I press myself into you. The feeling of your smile against mine as we fight with our tongues for whose in control.

These memories are slowly turning into something more and I know that. I forgot what it was like to be happy, to actually want to keep someone in my life. I forgot what it was like to not have to worry about keeping my walls up.

My walls are made for protection, reminding me to never forget what it feels like to get hurt.

What its like to question why you let your walls down in the first place.

I have to stay aware but I don’t have to resent.

I remember because I learned from it, I have to remember not to be so cold to those who show their love to me even if I’m scared. Its always the darkest before dawn and I think I’ve been living in the dark for too long. I’m not used to not wanting to run away, though every part of me screams that I should turn back now before I get hurt.

I don’t want to. For I fear I would regret it. I’m going to accomplish so much in this lifetime and right now at this moment, I want to do so with you by my side. You make me see things differently than I thought of viewing them before and I’m thankful for you. I can only hope that these memories I have will make space for the ones to come.

it’s okay to float.

 

I’ve been so wrapped up lately.

In something that I can’t see but I can feel it, I’m scared.

If I’m being honest I’m not really sure what it is that I’m scared of.

I feel like I’ve been thrown into the middle of the sea, but I forgot how to swim.

The water around me is thick and heavy..it’s taking over my senses and surroundings.

I can’t move but I don’t really want to either. My mind tells me to drop everything and run.

To leave it all.

Leaving…something I’m so good at.

That’s a contradicting statement because I’m the one who always gets left behind. Though I’ve always had an amazing talent for cutting people off without a hesitation, for some reason you’re not one of them. Anymore that is.

I feel like we’re dipping our toes in the water but run away from the waves each time they approach us.

 I’m waist deep in the ocean and I can’t help but wonder where do you stand?

Are you ankle deep? Are you drowning?

Maybe you haven’t even set a foot in the water.

Some become fearful of the depths of the ocean, I know I am. If I cant see the bottom nor can I touch it then I suddenly don’t feel welcome.

You never know what may come along and pull you away from it all, pull you deeper into the darkness.

Saltwater fills my lungs as I struggle to breathe and my eyes become clouded with the darkness that surrounds me.

Then it stops.

The darkness becomes light.

I can suddenly breathe again…

I’m not scared anymore, sometimes you just have to float along with the waves.

Take it all day by day and I think I’m okay with that.

self worth.

“you’re not over him are you?” 

I am completely appalled by this question, only because I was over him 6 months before I left. Yet it’s been 2 years now and I guess I’m just not over how blinded I was and unaware of my self-worth. 

the cringe I felt when he touched me, the resent I felt when he looked at me, the anger I felt when he lied to me, and the bittersweet numbness when he slit his wrists right in front of me. Simply because the motive behind these actions were based on how I wanted to leave him. 

you see he had been cheating on me but that wasn’t where my anger stemmed from. It came from my soul, once I realized how drained it was. Once I realized my self-worth and how when I told him that he had the nerve to put his hands on me. 

you can change so much negativity in your life if you find your self-worth. Never let someone’s judgment cloud yours. Never worry more about someone’s mental health more than your own. 

I was over him before I left him, but I won’t get over how much someone has no issue abusing another mentally or physically. 

I guess I’m just not over realizing my self-worth and how I still have so much more to grow from.

brown eyes.

Brown eyes,

They’re so under appreciated.

You don’t realize how much they pull me in. 

They take me to a place that I’ve never been before.

It’s almost unrealistic, it’s not on earth.

Catching each ray of sunlight simultaneously as they catch my distant glances.

Golden sunsets glow, and I have to accept that is something you’ll never know.

They’re not just brown but amber.

Shades of gold hint beyond observable measures.

“why are you staring at me?”

How could I not?

As you stare off into the distance your eyes tell a story I have yet to finish,

I’m not quite sure if I have even started.

Your eyes are what draw me in and hold me close.

Why is this the hardest thing for me to put into words?

To write what you’re feeling when you don’t know what it is that you feel.

Eyes

Eyes

Ojos

They’re something we are all born with

We see through them physically and spiritually

I’m not sure what you see when you look through them

But I know what I see when they look through me

I see endless wonders and unanswered questions

I see hopes and dreams.

Heartbreak and sorrow.

I see the beginning of a story but I wonder where it ends for I cant find the first page

“I’m not just a book you can read.”

Yes that’s very true

I’m not trying to read you I just want to know whats happening behind those eyes

Those deep amber eyes that I know so well.

But I don’t know them at all yet they’re so welcoming to me

I feel like they know me more than I know them.

It almost feels like a trap.

How can one think they’re boring when I feel the adventure that lies within them?

I search for them in the dark because for some reason when they look at me  I am instantly assured everything is okay for once.

When filled with anger I watch them search for a meaning…

A quick hint of doubt is caught in the moonlight.

I pull them in as they do to me hoping they feel the warmth they too give me.