“You know I’m battling with these fucking demons in my chest and these voices in my head”
He said this to me every time he was in the wrong and I called him out for it. because he knew.
I didn’t know how to argue…because I knew.
I knew he was a sociopath.
I knew he would hurt me.
I knew it wouldn’t just be emotional.
“Can you just help me..please don’t leave me…I promise baby please.”
The begging, oh so familiar almost like blinking.
He knew I wanted to leave;
But I didn’t know how.
“If you fucking leave I’ll end it right now right here. If you leave me I’ll kill myself I swear to god.”
I believed him..but almost as much as I doubted him
I knew along with those late nights of begging and anger
They were spent with her
While I spent the night throwing up in the bathroom so unaware of the toxins in my body
Not chemically of course
He was the toxins that filled my body and seeped out of my pores
His grip on my heart wasn’t as close as the grip he held on my arm
Something I didn’t feel when I read those messages.
When their names popped up in my messages.
Notice I said name(s) plural.
My blood was boiling but I was frozen
I wasn’t surprised
Not at that moment anyways.
It was when he got on his knees begging..confessing his love.
This was a begging I’ve never seen before.
My stomach turned I couldn’t bare to look him in the face.
But I couldn’t stop memorizing how ugly he was when he cried.
He knew it, he saw everything change in me.
It was at that moment I gained the upper hand.
He was scared. Like a corned animal in the wild.
What happens when you corner a wild animal?
I attack with my words, I can end a life by the flick of my tongue.
So he knew he couldn’t break me verbally, because I wrote that book.
He knew his upper hand, he was bigger than me.
There was a table between us I screamed at him how he was just like his cheating father but I refused to be as fragile as his mother. I wouldn’t stay.
“If you touch me I’ll kill you”
It was a threat that I would never go through with, but I didn’t want to find out for myself.
“Baby please. Just come here.”
“I KNOW IM FUCKING STUPID”
“I’m nothing without you”
Things I didn’t need clarification for.
I ran for my phone cause I needed an escape
I wasn’t fast enough
I was so close..
His fingers wrapped around my wrist and slammed me into the wall.
Not in the kind of way that ends up with your clothes off .
His hand grips tighter
I can feel his hot breathe on my face
His tears on my chest
“Please don’t leave me like this.”
They say you see a white light when you die and go to heaven..
But I felt a hot white light immerse from my body.
“ you’re useless. You’re nothing. Pathetic.”
The wall around my head vibrates as his fist makes contact with the yellow paint
Let. Me . Go.
With everything in my body I throw all of his stuff including him outside.
I was done.
Finally it was over.
I was free.
Or that’s what I thought anyways. That was until he shoved my head against his window as he begged me to stay.
“I’ll do it I swear to fucking god IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT?!”
As he ran a box cutter up his wrist and back down.
They say when people go into shock they can’t move.
This wasn’t the case for me , I felt like everything was happening in slow motion.
The blood. The screaming.
My curls were covering my eyes I couldn’t see where the blood was coming from.
I looked down at my hands and I realized it was his blood not mine.
The cuts weren’t as deep as I could tell he intended them to be.
As he continued to yell and cry at me it was all happening so slow.
As if I was floating in space watching it all pass me by.
The mid spring breeze lifting me off my feet.
His words of hatred and sarrow going every where but near me.
The skin he severed cut my ties to him.
I was floating because I lost my anchor that constantly grounded me to his demons.
Baby I know you think of me when you see those scars.