i want to fold your laundry.

i want to make art for you.
i want you to be able to look at these paintings and see beyond them.
with their abstract colors blending together like our compatibility.
the dark blues that transition into the violent reds and deep purples
That represent how intense i feel about you.
the peek of the yellow that over power the grey to show that maybe everything will be alright
 
i want to separate your laundry from dark to light
Like art i wanna color coordinate your socks
from thread count to the different colors in the rainbow.
but just like laundry there’s heavy loads
just like art it always tells a story
 
It’s got me thinking
am i worthy?
am i strong enough?
to be there for you will never be an issue.
to be there for myself; how do you catch yourself when you’re falling in love?
 
to deny art is like saying the world is flat.
to ignore the beauty makes the world black and white
why would i want to live in a colorless world?
when i’m with you i see color.
without you i learned to still see the art around me.
 
there is so much to learn in this world that lacks the answers i feel I’ve been searching for;
but i find myself searching for the right questions to ask.
Without you i learned there’s art in me
Every inch of who i am.
i am my own art.
there are days i feel like failed art work but i have to remind myself
there is no such thing as ugly art because one day it will be another’s inspiration.
when am i gonna be yours?
 
i want to fold your laundry.
But I don’t want to be your laundry mat.
 
I want to make your coffee in the morning
but I’m not your local cafe
 
i want to show you i care
but i don’t wanna regret it
 
i want to make art for you.
be your personal museum the way you’re my personal muse.

undefeated.

“You know I’m battling with these fucking demons in my chest and these voices in my head”
He said this to me every time he was in the wrong and I called him out for it. because he knew.
I didn’t know how to argue…because I knew.
I knew he was a sociopath.
I knew he would hurt me.
I knew it wouldn’t just be emotional.
“Can you just help me..please don’t leave me…I promise baby please.”
The begging, oh so familiar almost like blinking.
He knew I wanted to leave;
But I didn’t know how.
“If you fucking leave I’ll end it right now right here. If you leave me I’ll kill myself I swear to god.”
I believed him..but almost as much as I doubted him
I knew along with those late nights of begging and anger
They were spent with her
While I spent the night throwing up in the bathroom so unaware of the toxins in my body
Not chemically of course
He was the toxins that filled my body and seeped out of my pores
His grip on my heart wasn’t as close as the grip he held on my arm
Almost shattering
Shattering..
Crushing.
Breaking.
Something I didn’t feel when I read those messages.
When their names popped up in my messages.
Notice I said name(s) plural.
Freedom.
Exhilarating.
White anger.
Hot.
Cold.
My blood was boiling but I was frozen
I wasn’t surprised
Not at that moment anyways.
It was when he got on his knees begging..confessing his love.
This was a begging I’ve never seen before.
My stomach turned I couldn’t bare to look him in the face.
But I couldn’t stop memorizing how ugly he was when he cried.
He knew it, he saw everything change in me.
It was at that moment I gained the upper hand.
He was scared. Like a corned animal in the wild.
What happens when you corner a wild animal?
They attack.
I attack with my words, I can end a life by the flick of my tongue.
So he knew he couldn’t break me verbally, because I wrote that book.
He knew his upper hand, he was bigger than me.
There was a table between us I screamed at him how he was just like his cheating father but I refused to be as fragile as his mother. I wouldn’t stay.
“If you touch me I’ll kill you”
It was a threat that I would never go through with, but I didn’t want to find out for myself.
“Baby please. Just come here.”
“I KNOW IM FUCKING STUPID”
“I’m nothing without you”
Things I didn’t need clarification for.
I ran for my phone cause I needed an escape
I wasn’t fast enough
I was so close..
His fingers wrapped around my wrist and slammed me into the wall.
Not in the kind of way that ends up with your clothes off .
His hand grips tighter
I can feel his hot breathe on my face
His tears on my chest
“Please don’t leave me like this.”
White anger.
They say you see a white light when you die and go to heaven..
But I felt a hot white light immerse from my body.
“ you’re useless. You’re nothing. Pathetic.”
Pathetic
Pathetic
Pathetic
The wall around my head vibrates as his fist makes contact with the yellow paint
Let. Me . Go.
He does
With everything in my body I throw all of his stuff including him outside.
I was done.
Finally it was over.
I was free.
Or that’s what I thought anyways. That was until he shoved my head against his window as he begged me to stay.
“I’ll do it I swear to fucking god IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT?!”
As he ran a box cutter up his wrist and back down.
“You’re pathetic.”
They say when people go into shock they can’t move.
This wasn’t the case for me , I felt like everything was happening in slow motion.
The blood. The screaming.
My curls were covering my eyes I couldn’t see where the blood was coming from.
I looked down at my hands and I realized it was his blood not mine.
The cuts weren’t as deep as I could tell he intended them to be.
As he continued to yell and cry at me it was all happening so slow.
As if I was floating in space watching it all pass me by.
The mid spring breeze lifting me off my feet.
His words of hatred and sarrow going every where but near me.
The skin he severed cut my ties to him.
I was floating because I lost my anchor that constantly grounded me to his demons.
Baby I know you think of me when you see those scars.

an ocean of independance.

You may have put the cuffs on me but I willingly put my hands behind my back
You put the lock on it but never forget that I will always hold the keys
I was full and complete before you but when we are together we hold a power thats stronger than the both of us.
I will never be incomplete without you, I don’t need my empty spaces filled I need the unknown knowledge to be taught to me.
My eyes are always open and ready for you to teach me something new.
But never be fooled that I am unaware or lack the knowledge because I am perfectly capable of being self taught.
You may walk in front of me but you are not the leader.
We will walk side by side for now on.
To teach one and another because like our love that continues to grow so will our minds.
Its our thoughts that dictate our every move but it’s our soul that hold the scars that aren’t shown on our flesh.
You may hold my hand but its your soul that is radiating heat upon my skin.
Your eyes that shine like the stars are really the looking glass that you’ve yet to notice holds your true desires.
I burn like a fire and stand tall like the forest but its the ocean that I control as I hold its power.
Do not doubt my waves because I have ruined homes as men have ruined my hopes.
As the earth crumbles beneath you it will be my waves that come crashing down and there will be no where for you to hide.
Do not under estimate a damaged heart but an old soul, i’ll always be independent but that doesn’t mean I don’t know how to love.
I haven’t learned the full knowledge on what love really means.
We are all still learning.